


Red Alert

by Drowned_Ophelia



Category: Pocket Monsters: Sun & Moon | Pokemon Sun & Moon Versions
Genre: Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-13
Updated: 2017-05-13
Packaged: 2018-10-31 08:35:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,868
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10895631
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Drowned_Ophelia/pseuds/Drowned_Ophelia
Summary: Discovering they're low on an essential supply, Plumeria tasks Guzma with going to buy more. Clueless when it comes to certain sensitive "feminine matters", the Team Skull Boss experiences one of the most humiliating days of his life.





	Red Alert

It happened without warning. All of a sudden one day the majority of the female Team Skull Grunts were stricken with their “time of the month”, decimating the supply of sanitary products they had on hand. It seemed like in the blink of an eye all they were down to was not even half of a bag of pads.

This obviously wouldn’t do. Plumeria herself was hurting pretty bad from cramps, but someone had to go fetch some more, when she realized that Guzma was probably pretty close to the discount store right about now.

Knowing the reaction she’d get, Plumeria hesitated a moment, but this was an emergency and Guzma would have to take one for the team. She took out her phone and called Guzma, hoping he’d pick up.

  
“…Ya want me ta buy what?”

Guzma had a special ring tone for when Plumeria called so he always knew to answer. However, her request this time caught him completely off guard, making him stand there completely dumbfounded as the two male Grunts who were accompanying him gave each other questioning looks before shrugging.

“You heard me,” Plumeria replied. “We’re almost completely out and you’re the closest one; it’ll take anyone else way too long.”

Guzma fidgeted uncomfortably. “I… I can’t do that!”

“You have too!” Plumeria let out an exasperated sigh. “Look; just go to the store, buy as much as you three can carry, and call me back if you need to. It’s not that big of a deal. You’re the boss, so you need to step up and make sure the Grunts are taken care of!”

Guzma realized he couldn’t argue with that, absolute defeat radiating throughout his voice as he finally agreed. He ended the call, staying silent until one of the Grunts asked him what was going on.

“We’re… We’re gonna go buy…”

  
The three boys stood together still as statues when the feminine hygiene isle was in site. Their goal was right in front of them and yet none of them could bring themselves to move another step closer.

“…Here,” Guzma tried to hand off the shopping cart to the older Grunt on his right. “You go get ‘em. Ya got a sister, right?”

The Grunt turned red, waving his hands frantically. “But that doesn’t mean I know anything about this! She just… Cried really easily sometimes and ate a lot of chocolate. That’s all I know!”

“…Damn…”

He really had no other choice. Guzma took a look at their surroundings, relieved that seeing him, the big bad boss of Team Skull, had frightened most of the other shoppers away. Finally they were starting to get the recognition he wanted, although he hoped no one would remember this particular moment. The three of them would just hurry down the isle, grab what they needed, and get the hell out of there.

Guzma pushed the cart forward with on hand, grabbing one of the Grunts with the other when he noticed they were less than inclined to follow. The other trailed behind the two of them, knowing he’d get earful if he tried to run away from this.

Having never even looked down this isle before, Guzma’s jaw dropped. He had no idea where to even begin. The two Grunts were beyond stupefied. It was rows upon rows with different packages, which he noticed had different descriptions, and…

  
Plumeria picked up the phone before the first ring had even finished. “Did you get them?”

“Plumes… There’s… So many…” Guzma was in completely over his head, the Grunts being of zero help and only looking to make sure no one else was coming near them. “Do ya need both…” He lowered his voice. “Pads and tampons?”

“Yes.”

“…Why?” Guzma dared to ask.

Plumeria felt her face go hot; she was NOT explaining this to him. “Never you mind! Just get them!”

“Alright! But… I mean… Do I get the ones with wings? There’s others that say they’re more absorbent… I-I…”

Plumeria took a moment to take a deep breath in order to ease her frustration, reminding herself that Guzma was in an awkward position and really trying. “Guzma… Just grab a little of everything and it’ll be fine; the girls will use what they want.”

“A’ight…” Guzma decided to quick eye what else they had in case he had anymore questions. “They also got some kinda pills here? Do ya want those? Says they’re supposed to help and ya have been kinda cranky so-”

“JUST BUY WHAT YOU NEED TO AND GET YOUR ASS BACK HERE!” Plumeria’s patience was completely exhausted.

Guzma winced, holding the phone away from his ear for a moment. He was amazed with how loud she yelled she hadn‘t damaged his eardrum “…I’m getting ya the pills.”

  
Plumeria was starting to say something more, but Guzma quickly hung up and instructed the Grunts to load up the cart. It was a good thing that they’d made some serious cash recently off a rare Pokemon they’d swiped because these things weren’t cheap.

Plumeria had obviously gotten annoyed with him, so on their way back to the front of the store Guzma grabbed a few bags of chocolate chip cookies for good measure as a peace offering. Besides, he wouldn’t mind having a few either.

As they reached the checkout counter, it suddenly dawned on Guzma there was a new trial awaiting him. Did he go to a male or female cashier? Which would be less weird? While mulling it over, the choice was made for him when a young women called him over, having no else in her line.

It was easy enough to put the cookies on the conveyor belt, she scanning them and putting them into bags. Then came pack after pack of the feminine products. She took a glance over at them, realizing she was right when she thought it had been a trio of three boys.

One right after the other she scanned and bagged, Guzma and the Grunts trying hard not to make eye contact with her and hoping that no one would look over at them and see what their cart was full of. Guzma fought the impulse to bark at her to go faster, knowing that would only draw attention to them.

“Hm?”

Guzma took a glance back at the cashier when he saw her repeatedly scanning a package, which seemed to not want to register a price. After a few more tries, she flipped on the mic by her till and spoke into it, her voice coming over the loudspeaker.

“Price check on isle 4 for-”

Guzma gasped; was she really going to say it?!

“-the twenty-eight pack maxi pads.”

Guzma was certain he felt his soul leave his body as he turned ghostly white. This was it. He was going to die on the spot. He couldn’t bring himself to check if people were staring now, a manager taking their sweet time to come help and see why the price wouldn’t ring up. It felt like centuries before she resolved the issue and along went the process again until finally the cart was empty, the Grunts loading the bags up into it while Guzma paid.

Guzma grabbed the cart and dashed out of the store with it as fast as he could, the Grunts barely able to keep up with him. When they were outside, Guzma looped most of the bags around his arms, the Grunts taking as much as they could carry. Thankfully everything was light, so they should have no issue carrying it all back to the boat and finally going home.

Thank Arceus the worst was over. This had been one of the most embarrassing moments of Guzma life, but now he could try and put this all behind-

_Riiiiiip._

This couldn’t be happening. One of the flimsy bags broke, its contents falling down onto the ground in front of a group of people who were heading towards the store, a few of them laughing.

“Those all for you, pal?” a young man about Guzma’s age asked.

That was it. He couldn’t take anymore. Someone had to pay for this.

“Hold these for me.” Guzma thrust his bags into the Grunts arms. Not able to handle them all, they fell out of their grasp, but Guzma didn’t care.

“BOSS! NO!”

  
The sun was setting, it was a quiet, pleasant evening. For once those damn hooligans at Shady House weren’t blaring their music so Nanu decided to sit outside and enjoy one of the few times it wasn’t raining. The sky was colored with gorgeous hues of various reds and oranges.

Nanu couldn’t help cracking a smile at the sight, stroking his Persian’s head as it laid across his lap, purring. Days like this made him hate his life a little less, he even enjoying Acerola’s visit today. It was a shame it couldn’t be like this more often where…

…Of course it wouldn‘t last. Nanu’s prominent frown was back when he knew the tall figure approaching, accompanied by two smaller ones, would be no one other than Guzma. He was back later than usual, Nanu immediately speculating over what kind of mischief he’d been involved in this time.

Completely done with this awful day, Guzma and the Grunts dragged their feet as they slowly made their way back home. Shoulders slumped, eyes drooped, each with various bruises, scrapes, tears and stains on their clothes from the scuffle. One of the Grunts had even managed to lose his bandana, his frown managing to rival Nanu’s

Guzma had managed to beat down those involved in the scuffle mostly by himself, they emerging victorious, but it was a hollow victory, and in the end they were still curriers of products most men wouldn’t want to touch with a ten foot poll.

Guzma was carrying a few in his arms from the bags that got wrecked, Nanu noticing what they were. He kept a straight face as the three past him, Guzma looking at him with murder in his eyes, challenging him to say even one word.  
  
Nanu held his tongue and his pet his cat, continuing to watch the boys until they were finally at the entrance to the large wall that protected their base. It was then that Nanu couldn’t hold it in anymore, laughing harder than he had in years until his eyes began to tear up.

  
Plumeria had gotten word from the Grunts that Guzma was back, so she was waited in the entryway when he opened the door. Initially she meant to scold him for taking so long, assuming he’d wound up screwing around and wasting time, but could tell in an instant that wasn’t the case.

Guzma dropped the bags on the floor, than digging a bag of cookies out of the supply they’d bought. “I’m takin’ these, but there’s plenty more. I ain’t NEVER doin’ this again and tomorrow I’ll hafta go get some more booze because I’m gonna drink everything I got tonight.”

He and the two accompanying Grunts left the girls to take care of what they’d brought home, the thanks that they received feeling nowhere near enough considering what they’d gone through. 

**Author's Note:**

> I... I have no idea what inspired this, but once it popped into my head I honestly thought poor Guzma in a situation like this was pretty funny. 
> 
> If you liked this, please consider reading my other Pokemon stories and following me on Tumblr!: http://creepycollector.tumblr.com/


End file.
